Simplicity Parenting

We went to this lecture the other night and I loved it.  We met our friends Katie and Hector there.  They have two beautiful little girls, Chloe and Mazzy, and Katie and I have known each other since kindergarten, sort of.  It's a long story.  But, I really admire the way they are raising their girls and Chloe goes to the Waldorf School in Pasadena.  I like Waldorf Education and all it stands for.  I especially love their Pagan celebrations.

During the lecture, Kim John Payne, the author, asked everyone to think of their 'Golden Moments' of childhood.  At first all I could think of was being backstage at Laguna Moulton Playhouse before one of the many plays I did.  I loved the smell of the theatre, the excitement of opening night, the make-up and the costumes.  I was in heaven there.  I loved playing make-believe.  Then I went back even farther, to living in Dana Point.  I had a bevy of stuffed animals, no dolls really, one barbie, but Strider had already given her a mohawk and burned swastikas into her face.  But my stuffed animals, they were so real to me, I could spend hours by myself as a tiny little girl making up elaborate stories that would rival any soap opera today.  I didn't need a play station or a DS.  I never watched television or had a TV screen in the back of the VW Bug we drove around.  I was actually allowed to get bored sometimes and because of that boredom, I discovered and created so many things.

When Mom left Kenny and we had no money living in a tiny little house in Laguna, I remember that as some of the best moments of what felt like a fleeting childhood.  Strider and I would leave and traverse the canyons with nothing but a stick until the sun went down.  When it rained we built boats out of shoe boxes and leaves, sailing them down the impromptu mini river behind our house.  We climbed the walls and we built forts.

This is what Simplicity Parenting is all about.  I truly believe I would not be as creative a thinker I am today if I had not had that kind of freedom to be bored.  This is something my Mom really did right.  She  didn't overwhelm us with gadgets or complex toys.  She allowed us to imagine, dream, and build.  Even if it scuffed up the walls or ruined her blankets.  It truly was golden.

And all the memories that people shared that night were the same.  Being in nature, being out till dark, being free, and young.

I want that for you.  I want you to get so bored sometimes you cry and out of those tears start building empires.  I see great things for you by having less things.  I vow to unclutter our life, beginning with my closet.  It's ridiculous at best.  I hope we can move more into nature by the time you start walking and talking, so you can talk to the forest animals and swim in the sea.  I keep thinking Big Sur, I don't know why.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Dreams.  I have big ones for you and me and your Papa.  And I am so grateful for my simple childhood, or I wouldn't have them to dream.

xx
Momma

I love collages!

Some people recently have expressed concern over my insatiable thirst for knowledge when it comes to raising you, my little peanut.  And what I am again, so grateful for, is how your Dad understands me.  He gets it.  He gets me.  And he doesn't worry.  That is a huge gift.  Huge.

So what am I doing?  I am researching.  I am educating myself.  I am preparing a lesson plan.  I am learning my lines.


When I was a dancer I studied tap, ballet, jazz, contemporary jazz, and modern so I could be the most versatile dancer I could be.  I knew that all techniques supported each other in some way.

When I was an actress, I memorized my lines by rote so that when I walked out on stage or in front of a camera, I could forget them entirely and respond to my environment in the moment.  I studied Meisner, Method, Diana Castle, and Improv so I could take what worked for me and leave the rest.

When I began running The Young Storytellers Foundation's program I began teaching myself everything I could about teaching.  I became a certified teaching artist through the Music Center and learned  techniques for backwards mapping lesson plans, aligning to state standards, and classroom management.  I became a facilitator of Council, a dialogical practice, and a Spolin Game Master.  All so I could take what worked best of each modality and create the most dynamic interactive innovative approach to creative writing that I could.

Now when I train my head mentors in our curriculum, what I stress most is fluidity, not rigidity, in the classroom.  Meaning, know your shit when you walk in the door, have your tools laid out for you, know what that days lesson plan is by heart, and then be prepared to throw it all out of the window based on what the children bring before you.

And even in Alcoholics Anonymous- I read everything I can about it, from a ton of different perspectives.  I have worked with many sponsors and I listen to different people talk about their experience with the program.  I am not and never have been content with one point of view.

So- what I am doing in regards to taking on this next, and what I believe to be, most important job of my entire life, raising you, little Pony, is gathering information.  I am in the research phase, and it may seem maniac, but it's not.  It's just instinctive.  If I am drawn to a certain principle and method of applying that principle that speaks to my heart, I am going to learn everything about it.  And what inevitably happens is connections are made to other theories and methodologies, so I follow the trails, seeing where it guides me, noticing the similarities and discrepancies, and taking note of it all.  I am building a giant parenting collage.  I will learn as much as I can and then when you come into the world, like the dance steps I have rehearsed a thousand times, the lines I have memorized, or the lesson plan I created, I will forget it all, look at you, and respond to you in the moment.  The only difference is that I will have a giant tool belt on.   Now, whether I use any of those tools remains to be seen.  But having them is what is important to me.  I know this from studying classroom management.  Each child is different, no one can prepare a teacher for what any little human being might bring to the classroom, but if I have a solid tool belt on, I know I have options when dealing with what is before me.  And what I think my gift is, is taking a few different tools and creating entire new ones on the spot.

I know there are people out there who are totally comfortable and fine with totally just 'winging' it. I knew those actors, and some did really well. But that is not and never will be me.  I improvise with information, I don't wing it with nothing.  That is just me, and always will be.

Even when I was a bartender at an alehouse in my early 20's, I learned everything there was to know about brewing beer.  I became an expert.  And I don't regret it.  I regret the 20 pounds I gained at the time from drinking all the beer, but I never regret learning.

I love learning.

It's good for my brain.

It keeps me on my toes.


xx
mom

Stay Gold, Pony Girl!

I feel anxious right now and I don't know why.  I just got up from an attempted nap and know I should put on a prenatal yoga tape and stretch this pregnant body but I don't want to break the stillness around me.  The sweet silence that is draping over our house at the moment is so precious to me.  I can't hear Danny Beats rockin his top 40 hip-hop next door or the drug addicts fighting across the street.  This is like heaven to me.  There is a beautiful grey cloud hanging over us as well, and I love the color grey.  It makes me feel soft and spacious.

So why the anxiety?

I sat down on the couch, closed my eyes, and began to breathe.  I breathe deep into my belly and into you. I feel a pit of sadness welling up in my stomach and it wants to get out.  I don't know what it is about, exactly.  But I have some clues.  Your Dad has to leave again, real soon, for London for five days, and I really don't want him to go on another business trip, again.  I feel kind of needy and pathetic, but life is just brighter and more fun when he is around.  I have this deep seeded (or is it seated) fear of being a single Mom.  My Mom says it's because I remember only too well what it was like for her.  Not fun.  Being with your Dad is fun.  I like him.  A lot.  A whole hell of a lot.  More than I know how to say.  There aren't words.  I need a new vocabulary for this.  I also want to cry because I want so badly to do a better job with you than the job I had done with me and I am terrified of making huge giant mistakes that you will hate me for.   Although I am assured by those who know more than me that I can make amends to you, something that didn't happen with me.  And that is okay.  I know how to do that.  I know how to say I am sorry, I really fucked that up, what can I do to make it better?  Although with you, I will try not to swear.

So here is the deal, Pony, this is what I need from you.  If you can talk to your Dad in his dreams, then I need you to talk to me about a couple of things.

1) What color do you want your room to be?  I am leaning towards lavender and white with a touch of grey trim.  I want to put decals on your walls- but can't decide between owls, giraffes, or birds.

2) How do you want to sleep?  The debate between co-sleeping and not is deafening.  I am torn and tired from all the literature.  RIE suggests sleeping on your own, says it's better for you.  However, Attachment Parenting believes it cruel and unusual not to have you in the bed.  According to my dear friend Katie- her first daughter Chloe slept better by herself from the beginning but her other daughter Mazzy, can't sleep apart from her.  I love a lot of The Baby Whisperer, especially the part about routine and schedule- but not sure how young or old you need to be for that.  I might be drowning myself in information when all I need to do is watch and learn from you.  However, I soothe myself with information, it's my glass of red wine at the end of the day.  And is there ever really too much of it?

3) And lastly- as a huge favor to me- would you help me as much as you can on the day of your birth?  I want to do this without medication, but I really need your cooperation, and I promise you I will give you 100% of mine.  I know that together, we can do this.  We are team Husom.  We are family.  Dad will be there too, cheering us on.  Let's make him proud.

To finish this neverending blog I want to tell you about your name, Pony, and the character that inspired it, Ponyboy Curtis, from the movie The Outsiders.

Directed by Francis Ford Coppola, it is a true classic.  And Ponyboy has all the qualities I admire and want for you.  He is sensitive, artistic, heroic, loyal, and true.  He loves sunsets and poetry and would run into a burning building to save a child, even though he is a greaser and from the wrong side of town.

He knows this Robert Frost poem, Nothing Gold Can Stay, by heart and recites it to Johnny:

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

They debate the meaning, but it is never totally clear until the end, when Johnny is on his deathbed and he tells Pony-  Stay Gold, Ponyboy, Stay Gold.

What he means is; stay young, green, and new.  Don't ever get jaded and old.  Don't ever shut yourself  off or down from the wonder of this world.

And I mean that for you too.

I wrote you a little poem, sort of- it's more like:

10 things I want to teach you, if I can.

1. To get up when you fall
2. Trust your intuition
3. Always believe in something greater and better
4. You are precious, your body is a temple
5. It's okay to cry in public
6. It's okay to be alone
7. That you never have to wear high heels if you don't want to
8. Laughter is the best medicine
9. "Imagination is more important than knowledge" -Einstein (not me, the information junky)
10. And that you are loved beyond your ability to comprehend.

I am crazy about you kid, I love you with all my heart.

xx

Mom

Week 24- I've stopped following the ridiculous fruit comparisons.

Pony, you are big.  Getting bigger everyday and stretching out those limbs in new and fascinating ways.  I saw you trying to bust out of my belly the other night, kicking and pushing against it.  And today you must be turned the other way because I can feel you jumping on my bladder and it's not the most pleasant feeling, to be perfectly honest.  The internal kicks, way low like that, are the most halting for me.  It's a sensation that is difficult to describe, unless you've felt it.  Like describing the color azure blue to a blind person.  It's possible, but difficult.

I am ashamed to admit something but I can't help it.  I hate keeping secrets.  I have to tell you.   I did it.  I broke down and bought some birkenstocks the other day.  I didn't even try to be fashionable with the fancy silver kind.  I bought what looked natural, earthy, and comfortable.  And then I put on some Indigo Girls and danced around the house in a loose flowing frock. No- I didn't do that.  But I might as well of.  With my short hair and birkenstocks I am teetering on fashions edge.  But I don't care anymore.  With you in my belly, all I want is to feel comfortable.  It's hard enough trying to feel comfortable in any clothing.  My feet deserve a break.  I told one of my oldest bestest punk rock girlfriends who has two little girls and many tattoos about my shoes.  She replied, Holy shit, I did the same thing!  I swear my girls have turned me into an earth loving hippie.  And then I was thinking, maybe those smelly hippies aren't so bad after all?  Maybe they just really love children.  This doesn't mean I am going to quit bathing and douse myself in patchouli, but I am trying to be more open-minded and willing to see things from a different angle.

Your Papa is in Austin, TX right now at the big music festival working hard for us and he told me about an amazing dream he had.  He said that you came to him in his dream and told him that you knew he was your daddy and that you two would be together forever.  You also giggled every time someone said your name, "Pony."   I love this.  It confirmed everything I was intuitively feeling about you two.  I know you have a super special bond and I am so honored to be a part of it.  I know how special your Dad is and how lucky we both are to have him in our lives.  He said that it felt like since you and I spend so much time together and are already bonded in our own magical way that you wanted to make sure he knew you were with him too, even though you weren't in his belly all day and night, beating up his innards.  What I think I took away from this mostly was the tangible sensation that although you aren't physically with us out in the world yet, your spirit is with us in every moment and that when we talk to you, you are listening, and if we get quiet enough, we can hear you.

I have been singing the one lullaby song I know to you.  I apologize in advance for this- I am sure you have guessed that your Momma ain't no singer- but it's a little song I picked up in India when I was 12 and sitting in Paramahansa Yoginanda's Ashram in Ranchi trying to stay awake during dawn meditation.
It goes- Who is in my temple?  Who is in my temple?  All the doors do open themselves, all the lights do light themselves, all the doors do open themselves, all the lights do light themselves. Darkness like a dark bird, flies away, oh flies away.  Darkness like a dark bird, flies away, oh flies away- then you repeat from the beginning.  For some reason this song always makes me feel better when I am sad, safe when I am scared, and comforted when I am lonely.

Speaking of songs I was also given a belly music player and was wondering how you felt about Devo?

I guess we'll find out soon enough.  

I can't wait to introduce you to some of your little buddies emerging around town.

1.  Henry- Super handsome.  You might have a crush on this guy. He's already a big little dude at 4 months old with the most gorgeous blue eyes you ever did see.

2. Theo- another heartbreaker. He's about 3 months old.  Both he and Henry are gonna make you laugh like crazy.

3. Brixton- she's precious, barely 2 months old and can't wait to meet you. She's a little elf.

4. Matisse- almost 3 months.  You are gonna laugh with her like crazy.  

5. Willow- she hasn't been born yet but I dig her Mom and so I know you will dig Willow too. She is gonna have the best Danish fashion.  You might end up borrowing her clothes at some point.

6. Stella- also not born yet, and lives in another state, but she will be your best friend forever. 

7. Nixon- your nephew, due next month.  Get ready.  He's gonna be a little firecracker.

Okay- I am off to prenatal yoga with my preggy friends.  I pick up your Daddy at the airport today at 5pm and I can't wait.  I have missed him so much.  It's raining today and it's beautiful outside.  I am really glad I am not running the LA marathon today but want to run one someday. But I guess you and I are running our own kind of marathon right now, aren't we?

xx

Mom

Week 23- Giant Mango!

Jessy orchestrated this photo- I thought it was corny at first, but now I really like it.

They say you are the size of a giant mango this week, last week you were supposedly a spaghetti squash.  I don't think they know what they are talking about.  Whoever the hell 'they' are.

I am super tired these days.  I had a birthday on Saturday, I turned 38.  38 years young, that is.  It was a super fun party, the first birthday party I have had since I was struck sober over 6 years ago.  That's a long time to go without celebrating your life.  The fact that you made it another year.  I didn't get any photos of the party because I spent too much time co-dependently trying to make sure all my disparate and wonderful groups of friends had enough attention and didn't get bored.  That's a tough job.  

This is Mom and Dad in Sedona, by the rushing red rock river.  That's you in my belly, hanging out, being cute.

Miles gave us stuffed animals and told us to play.  So we did.

This is Dad and Miles, aren't they so handsome?

This is Jessy and I with Miles.  

I'm sorry I can't write more right now, darling little girl, but I am plum tuckered out. 

All I can say is I love you I love you and I love you.

xx

Mom

Sedona

Pony Patty!

We took a lovely trip to Sedona this weekend to visit Mom's Best Friend from childhood, Jessica and her family.  She has a husband Jules, 3 year old son Miles, and little baby girl Stella on the way. We had a lovely time.  It was so awesome to sit with them and pick their brain about parenting.  It made me feel so much more relaxed and prepared for you.  At the end of the trip Jessy said that she knew I was going to be a great Mom and that I could take that in if I wanted to.  I feel like if I am half the Mom she is, I'll be great.

I can't believe that Jessy is also having a little girl in one month.  We met when I was four years old.  I can't wait for you to meet Stella and Miles. My only sadness is that they live so far away.

They told us about a book that has become their bible- The Baby Whisperer.  I ordered it first thing when I got home and we listened to the audio book driving there and back.  It has schedules and structures that make my heart sing.  I am realizing I will probably parent you like I teach, I throw a ton of spaghetti at the wall creating very structured lesson plans, but then I walk into every classroom ready to throw it all out and improvise if I need to. It's about reading the field, which means reading you.  I know you will eventually teach me everything I need to know about how to be the best for you if I just listen and observe.

We also met Jessica's mom, Peaches, for breakfast before we left.  She is such a wonderful loving warm woman.  It meant a lot to me to see her and get a big hug from her.  She loves your name and thinks that Tim and I are like two peas in a pod and totally meant for each other.  She is right.

This is Miles, leading the way on our wonderful walk by the red rock river.  It was an absolutely beautiful day.

This is my happy face looking at your Papa.  He makes me glow from deep inside my heart.  I love him so.

And this is you and me- by the river.  See how big you are getting?  Huge, I tell ya!!

It is so funny to see pictures of myself from different angles.  It made me realize how pregnant I really am and that there is no turning back now.  This shit is for real and you are coming no matter what.  All of which are very good real things.

I'm tired now. It's been a long day.  I haven't been too witty in this letter to you, I am too exhausted to try.  I worked with a group of foster kids today that had me sweating bullets keeping boundaries and meaning what I say.  It was a workout, emotionally and physically. Who knew teaching could make you sweat like a spinning class?  I love these kids though- even when they push the envelope and me, away. I get them, for some reason, I understand the push pull of love me hate me leave me alone but please don't abandon me.  I understand non attachment pain and rejection.  I get it and I don't take it personally. But that doesn't mean I don't empathize and feel it every moment, because I do.   I think we are going to get some good stories out of this group.  I have a good feeling about them.

All my love,

Momma

21 weeks- carrot

Pony dear,

I got into a fight with some thong underwear the other day and lost.  It was a wretched battle and blood was shed on both sides however, a very good thing has come out of it.  I have finally surrendered to Granny Pants and have never been more comfortable in my entire life.  What was I thinking all these years?  These things are amazing.  And the cherry on the top of this cake is that your Papa apparently is big fan of the Grannies.  Who knew I could be so lucky??  I am married to a man that loves short hair and Granny Panties, on me.  It's like a dream come true.  I get to be comfortable.  After years of being a physical chameleon and contortionist based on what I hoped would attract a mate, I finally get to be just me and be with the mate of my dreams.

It's made me think a lot about something.  If your Papa and I were to have another child, I know it would be a boy, and I know he would be just like his Dad and there is a huge part of me that feels like I would be doing some sweet little girl out there a  ginormous disservice by not bringing him into the world so she can be loved by him.  I would never want to deprive another of this amazing experience.  Maybe I am crazy?  I am almost 38 and we swore we'd only have one, so we could still travel and have a life, and maybe we still will.  But it's hard being married to someone so amazing and not want to co-create with him. It just feels like the most natural right thing to do.

But maybe I should just wait and see how we do with you, my little Pony girl.  I am getting ahead of the game here.  I haven't even had you yet and look at me, I'm already 3 years down the road.  It's all about staying present, not one of my forte's.

You had the hiccups this morning.  It was super cute.  I love feeling you kick and squirm and do the robot dance inside of my belly.  It makes me glow all over.

I organized your clothes and room yesterday, you have already acquired quite the adorable wardrobe.  I wanted to cry folding your onesies.  I can't believe how small they are.

You have some amazing Aunties that can't wait to meet you.  And another little girl that was just born not too long ago- her name is Brixton and her mommy is Mimi.  You are going to love them, I just know it.

I gotta run to work now.  I've procrastinated enough and you just kicked the crap out of me- so here we go.

I love you Pony girl.  More than you will ever know.

xx
Mom