Adventures with Food

This was your dinner tonight-

Steamed carrots and broccoli, baked yam, raw spinach, a slice of cucumber and a piece of sprouted grain toast.

I love watching you decide what you want to eat. It's the most adorable thing in the world.

Teething Trenches

Oh Pony, we are in it now. I thought the last bottom tooth was bad, nothing compares to the top one about to cut through. For the past 3 nights you have been up every hour, sometimes every 45 minutes, and you are crying out in pain. I don't know what to do except go to you and nurse you back down. Then it's back up the stairs, lay down, you cry out, I wait 5 minutes to see if you'll go back to sleep, you usually don't, then I go downstairs, nurse you, wait until you get sleepy again, lay you down, rinse and repeat. All. Night. Long. Right now it's 2am. Your father is sleeping in a hotel in Portland, Oregon on business. I can't even imagine what that would be like anymore, to go to sleep at night and know you most likely won't wake up until morning. I can't even fathom it at this point. I am totally not resentful at him right now, I swear it.

What is going on right now though is completely my fault, I fear. I don't know what I was thinking. The cat's away? I got scared, something about the TV turning off and on while I was watching it earlier this evening- why does this stuff keeping happening to me, and only me? But once again, I romanticized the notion of us co-sleeping, even though we have tried it several times before without any luck- maybe this time it would be different? General definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results. Yes, I do feel crazy. You can probably guess what happened. You woke up at midnight, I brought you into bed with me. It was so awkward. It is physically impossible for you to nurse and sleep with your butt in the air at the same time, although you seem to not think so. My nipple doesn't stretch that far, thank God. So after those gymnastics I took you back downstairs and proceeded to relay race you back to sleep for a good two hours. Hence, it's now 2am. My eyes hurt they are so tired and yet, I can't fall asleep. What kind of cruel joke is this? I decided to pick up my copy of "Under the Banner of Heaven" hoping it would lull me to sleep, but it only seems to make me more anxious. See, it's a book about fundamentalist Mormons of which your Great Grandmother is one. Your actual great great Grandfather is mentioned in the book and the fundamentalist sect that your Grandma currently belongs to is also mentioned. It's a strange thing, this Mormon religion. I don't get it, but then again, I don't get most religions. And slap fundamentalist before any of them and you've got a whole special bag of crazy going on. I wasn't raised Mormon, I wasn't raised anything. Except maybe New Age Metaphysics, of which I am also recovering from in my own way. Your Nama Jill left the Church long before I was born. What really freaked me out about it tonight though is how one of the most peculiar things about Mormons in particular is their belief in Revelations. That they can directly communicate with God and know his/her/it's thoughts, get direction, and so forth. Unfortunately for some, those "directions" have been to kill. It's not the first religion to condone violence, but it is astonishing how violent people can be in the name of "God." I always thought God was all loving, all kind, all good. I don't understand this God they speaketh of. But what irks me even more is that my personal spiritual program, which I owe my incredible life to, also encourages communication with God. It is your own personal God, but it's still God. Everything is. Or nothing is. It's a choice, I believe. I want to believe that God is everything. I want to believe. But these people scare me. Make me question everything. Which is probably good and brings me to you, Pony P.

Please remember to always question everything. Be discerning. Be curious. Be aware.

I believe we might have a genetic predisposition for extremism and blind faith. It has only brought me pain and humiliation. I want more for you. I hope the buck stops here, with me. Let me teach you how to think for yourself. Hopefully I can show you as well. I so want to be good for you. Because I have never loved anything like the way I love you. I have never known this kind of force in me. It can do amazing things. You have changed me, Pony. You have made me more me. I am forever grateful. I want to do the same for you, help you to stay true to you, no matter what you do.

That rhymed.

It is the next day now. I finally fell asleep last night and so did you. Today we drove to your cousin Nixon's 1 year birthday party at Bluebird Park in Laguna Beach. The we was your Uncle Strider and I. Your Dad comes back tonight. I can't tell you how much I have missed him and appreciate his help with you. Just the mere fact that he gets you in the morning giving me sometimes even just 30 more minutes of sleep, I had no idea how precious that was until it was snatched away from me these last two mornings. I am useless. I have never known exhaustion like this. The kind that makes me fall asleep sitting up. And of course, Murphy's Law, after I nursed you down at 7pm, I promptly laid down myself and passed out...only to be awoken at 8pm by the next door neighbor SANDING SOME FURNITURE outside. ?????!!!! Yes, really.

I give up.

I'm writing to you instead of killing him. I figured that was a much more productive use of my time. Especially since I just spent last night tearfully telling you how "good" I want to be for you. Ha. I guess this is where the something meets the road. I am so tired I can't even think of the saying. You know what I mean. I hope.

I am hopeless right now.

I miss your Dad.

He better come home tonight.

Please sleep more tonight. Please please please please please please please.....

I love you and your little white butt.

Mom

Earth Day 2012

I've been struggling lately, Pony, with my sense of self, if you will. Meaning, I feel extremely self-conscious, and not in a good way, about almost everything I do and or say. It's reminding me painfully of my freshman year of high school when I left middle school a bad ass class president but arrived at LBHS confused and desperate. My best friend at the time had ditched me for some older girls and I wasn't anywhere near cool enough to hang with this new crowd. They had a sense of humor that was beyond mine. I constantly felt left behind. One of my biggest fears. I feel that way now. Like life is leaving me behind. My writing is stagnant and uninspired, my humor non existent, and my style, gone. It was really starting to get me down until I had a couple of revelations this week. It all began when I started reading this book about the science of creativity called Imagine. Apparently an extremely important aspect of creativity is sleep. Sleep is when our brains get to make new synapses and connections. No wonder my writing feels bland, I'm in a sleep deprivation haze. My synapses aren't firing, they are on hiatus. Okay, I can live with that. That can always change. I will eventually sleep more. Maybe in 18 years, but I will.

And the other thing I realized while on our Earth Day Husom Family walk in The Mount while I was discussing all of this with Dad and you, was that I read an article in the NY Times about how different parenting styles can ruin friendships. It reminded me of my intention to walk the "middle road" as a parent and not be extreme either way, or judgmental and critical. Actually, how to be that way in life, every single aspect of it. And how unsexy that feels, only because it's so new, and so weird to not be an extremist and condemning all others. It's the newness that feels boring and bland, because I am not taking sides. I see the benefit of all of it. Bits and pieces. Oh it's not easy. And it makes me feel simple. But simple is good. I have been far too complicated for way too long and it didn't do me any good. I am ready to be. Just be. A worker among workers. A mom among moms.

So instead of being confused or frustrated by what I judge as an uninspired dull me, I must now turn and embrace with loving open minded arms and revel in this new simple wonderful life with you, which I cherish every second of, more than you will ever know.

We had brunch on the Queen Mary today with Nama Jill and Uncle Dusty, Aunt Jaime, the cousins, and Uncle Strider. You ate asparagus for the first time and loved it.

This is you gnawing on cucumber with Nama. Look how beautiful you both are!

I love you, little monkey.

Big Monkey Mom

9 months!

Holy crap. Has it really been 9 months already? It's been the strangest time warp of my life P. It's like everything sped up and slowed down at the same time. We had your check up with a new Pediatrician, Dr. Iyer at Glendale Pediatrics. We were seeing Dr. Bursch there, who was also great, but your Dad met Dr. Iyer when you had a fever and he really clicked with her, so I thought I should meet her too. And I am really glad I did. She is super warm, direct, and clear. She says you are exactly where you should be and look perfect to her. You are 16 pounds and 27 inches long. Your flat spot is minor and nothing to worry about. What I liked most about her was that she took the time to listen to me help me come up with a gradual sleep training method that feels like it could really work for our family. It was a little awkward when checking out as we ran into Dr. Bursch, who I also really liked, but something about Dr. Iyer liked more, still, he was super friendly and wonderful. I just felt weird. I hate that. I'm sure they are used to it over there, people must switch all the time, no big deal, right? I just abhor uncomfortable social situations.

So this is the plan from now on- although I love breastfeeding you to sleep- it's time to mix it up a bit. Beginning with "don't offer, don't refuse." Meaning, I am no longer going to offer my boob to you at the slightest provocation. I am going to wait till you ask for it. Which I am finding, is much easier said than done. The only thing I have really managed to be able to do is notice how often I just offer it to you for no reason. I think it has to do with my intense desire to connect with you ALL. THE. TIME. I am sure this will be good for us as hard as it is for me. Next, we have changed up the bedtime routine. Instead of dinner, bath, naked time, PJ's, book, nursing to bed, it's now dinner, bath, naked time, PJ's, nursing, book, and bed. And here is the zinger- your Dad is going to put you to bed sometimes! That's right. Dada. You. Bed. And lastly, I am going to dream feed you (although I hate it so) before I go to bed and then if you wake up before 4am- Dad is going to give you a bottle. After 4am, I am going to breast feed you. Then eventually we are going to slowly make that bottle of milk into a bottle of water. Wow. Just writing all that seems like a lot, but it's not, really. And I think it's gentle enough for my spirit. We'll see how it goes.

By the way- your two top teeth are coming, any day now. Dr. Iyer saw them, said get ready! You have two little ones on the bottom. I'm ready for the top ones. Just please, for the love of God, don't bite me. Which reminds me of something really special that happened this morning, we were horsing around on the sofa when suddenly you somehow snuck your thumb into my nose and with a nail that must have grown overnight into a tiny itsy bits razor, sliced into the soft sensitive membrane and apparently into a gushing vein. I screamed in pain as blood began to pour out. That was- colloquial term from childhood alert- gnarly. Not my favorite way to start the day. Let's NOT do that again, shall we?

Lastly, there was no drama with bed time, seems you tried to nurse your Dad, but couldn't for obvious reasons, so you finished your bottle and went to bed. You didn't skip a beat. I want to say you didn't miss me at all, but we both know it's not true. Well, at least I know how much I missed you. I will be fine though, don't worry about me. I know at some point the breastfeeding will end and I know that point is really not that far away. I am not sure how I feel about weaning at all, I just know that we want to have another baby, so it might be inevitable. But hopefully it will be in the Husom fashion, gradual and gentle.

Here is you on top of the world:

And here is you reflecting on your 9 months:

Sleep tight, my love.

And don't let the bed bugs bite.

Mom

Adventures in Eating

So we took a bunch of other momma's advice from the Booby Brigade and just went for it with the Baby Led Weaning recipes.

This is your first taste of steamed fresh whole broccoli.

And this is your apparent approval.

Needless to say, I believe more broccoli, chicken, and pasta ended up on the floor then in your tummy.

However, later that night during naked time you did something rather fantastic- you stood up on your own in the middle of the living room. Just like that! I screamed, possibly scaring you, I apologize, but it was too exciting to hold back. You sat right back down and haven't done it since. But baby, it was miraculous.

I love the heck out of you squirt.

Mom

Sound

I can't believe we went from living upstairs from a musician who wore boots on a wood floor and was up all night doing...whatever...to living next door to a wannabe (terrible too, I might add) hip-hop DJ and now, it's Jesus the Builder.

Really?

I mean, Really?

It's like I am cursed.

He's been sanding, not by hand either, something very large since he got home from work at 5pm. It's now 7pm. It has to be one of the most grating sounds. Whirrrrrrr....whirrr....incessantly. Thank God we got the super sound conditioner for your bedroom P. I wish I had one for my head right now.

I swear. What you fear the most walks beside you all the time. I did not make that one up, Pony. Somebody much more intelligent than I did long ago. He was a great president at one time. I'm sure you will learn all about him. Which reminds me, I am reading "The People's History of the United States" right now and even though I am on page 111, I can't remember a damn thing I've read. Something about how the economic picture of early America didn't look much different than it did today and it was just as sexist and racist. And if that comes as a surprise to anyone, than they need to get their head out of their....

I am tired and cranky, as you can tell.

I am venting.

Thank you for letting me vent.

You went to bed at 6pm tonight. It was just you and me. Dad is working.

I love you.

MOm

Video Monitor Love

It's 12:30 in the morning and you are really struggling with staying asleep tonight for some reason. Which is so strange because last night you slept like a champ. Which reminds me of how silly I felt the other day. I was convinced my eyes were going bad, so I went to get them checked. Turns out I have 20/20 vision. I'm just tired. Oh well. I was kind of looking forward to having a new accessory, guess I'll have to wait a few more years.

Your Dad just went down and is soothing you to sleep with back rubs. It's rather sweet to watch. Another reason I love the video monitor. I would miss all this without it. In fact, I have been meaning to list all the reasons I love the Summer Infant Touch Screen Video Monitor, now is as good a time as any, I guess.

1. I get to watch you playing alone in your crib. I call it P TV, it's my favorite show.

2. I know that you sleep with your butt in the air. This makes me happy, because I know that you aren't sleeping on your flat spot. Plus, it's pretty darn cute. Which brings me to...

3. All the different sleep variations you go through in a night. It can shift from reckless abandon, where your arms are splayed out to child's pose and every where in between and all over the crib. I don't know how it would work if we slept together. That must get very interesting for all those co-sleeping mommas and papas out there.

4. Peace of mind. The monitor is not cheap, by any means. But really, what price is too high for peace of mind?

5. I never got to this one because you didn't quit and we couldn't take it anymore.

We quit. We caved. We gave in.

I know this must be so erratic for you. We must be more consistent. I had no idea how hard this was going to be. I have been doing everything I can to avoid training you in any way, but this three hour up thing is going to make us all crazy, I fear.

It wasn't like you were in pain, you just didn't seem to want to be alone. That breaks my heart. I would sleep with you if I could, but then I would never sleep and that would be even worse. I am not at my best with no sleep. No one is, really. The fact that some of us mothers can function as well as we can is miraculous. Most of us shouldn't be operating heavy machinery to be honest. The "Baby on Board" signs have taken on a whole new meaning. They are hazard signs.

My friend said it is better to just rip the band aid off.

She swears it will only take a few nights. But then again, her daughters never cried longer than 45 minutes. Your tenacity, although admirable, sweetheart, is gut wrenchingly painful to sit through. I don't know if I have the stomach for it.

I guess we'll have to sit and meditate on this one all day.

I really don't know what the best thing to do is, so I am asking the bigger powers that be to guide me in my thinking and acting, to do the right thing for all of us, as a family.

I love you peanut.

Especially now that you are making zerberts on your own and oh yes, you said Momma this morning.

That was nice touch.

xx
Mom

Orajel SUCKS.

Oh P- the growing spurt is over. It's back to waking up numerous times a night. Oy vey. Consistency is NOT your middle name. Nor is it mine. Funny thing that is. Oh well, you keep me on my toes, that is for sure. Never a dull night with you, little monkey. In fact, every night is a new adventure. I go to bed really having absolutely no clue what the night will hold in store for us. I wonder what it's like to know when you go to sleep, you won't wake up till it's morning. I can't remember, it's been so long.

I have to apologize though for something that was entirely my own neurotic fault the other night. It all began when I frantically bought some Baby Nighttime Orajel at CVS in a desperate attempt to help you sleep better. That night at 10:30 when you woke up, in the dark of the room, I tried to put some on your gums. It smelled totally weird and you hated it. You began to smack your lips in a very repetitive way making me nervous. Suddenly I remembered reading warnings about Orajel and I began to panic because I couldn't remember what the warnings were. I laid you down and ran upstairs to google it. Your Dad was snoring softly in the bedroom as you nestled back to sleep in your crib. All this while I read horrific stories of babies choking on their own saliva, throats closing, seizures and some strange liver disease I can't even spell, all because of this stupid fucking Orajel (which should be taken off the market, if you ask me). Almost hyperventilating I ran back downstairs and creeped into your room to make sure you were still breathing. Unfortunately for us your door decided to creak like an old haunted house, waking you up enough so you sat up, looked right at me, and screamed in fright. I felt terrible. I would have screamed too if I suddenly saw me lurking up up on me at night with crazy eyes and wild white hair. I grabbed you and nursed you down. Or so I thought. I crept back upstairs, trying not to wake you or your Dad, grabbed the orajel and slathered it all over my gums to test how long the numbness persists for. Damn it if that shit doesn't taste HORRIBLE! I am so sorry, hon. So sorry. By the time the orajel wore off you were back up and standing in your crib gumming the bars calling out for me and my boobs. I went down. You nursed. I laid you back down. I went up. I watched the monitor waiting for you to fall back asleep. FINALLY, you did. Crisis averted. I fell into bed and crashed. For about an hour, when you woke up again....

And so it is and so it goes.

Like I said P, every night is a new adventure.

Your crazy mum.

First Word!

DADA!

You said it, loud and clear. We both heard you. It was pretty f-in amazing, P. Quite the moment, one I will never forget, nor will your Dad. I will admit, I had a small hope Mama would be first, but I'm totally cool with Dada. He deserves it. It happened while I was sitting on the sofa in the living room having a conversation with my best friend Jessy in Sedona, Stella had just started crawling and we were celebrating THAT feat, when suddenly, all the way from the kitchen where you were playing with Dad, your lilting little voice rang out above Jessy in my ear and Hall and Oats on the stereo (that's right, I said Hall and Oats)- DADA!! I stopped listening to Jessy and cried out- She said it!! Dada ran out with a huge grin on his face- Yep, she said it!! We beamed across the rooms at each other. A milestone met. Two parents rejoice.

This was after a fabulous Easter weekend. Saturday we went to the Self Realization Fellowship up the street where they had a super fun egg hunt. You found 3. Well, I found you 3. You kept one. It had 3 goldfish crackers in it. Then we took a photo with the bunny and a nun, then we left.

Your Dad loves to get into the spirit of things, that's why he made me wear the bunny ears.

Finally, we got a family photo taken by a generous samaritan.

So that's us- The Husoms.

By the way- I bleached my hair. When I came home from the salon you had to touch my face to make sure it was still me. I was scared you wouldn't know me. You were scared I was someone else. We worked it out just fine. Every now and then I see you staring at it, then in my eyes, just to be sure.

Today, we went down to Dana Point to see your Uncles, Aunt, Grandpa Kenny, and cousins Vinny, Asher, and Nixon.

This is you with your cuz's....

Then we came home and you said Dada.

What a miraculous day. Easter will never be the same.

I love you Peanut.

Mom

Barking Dog

It's 5:30 in the morning. We are up, but you are sound asleep, and have been since 7pm last night. You slept like a champ last night, too bad your Dad and I didn't.

It began with a neighbor's barking dog just as I was drifting off to sleep. That lasted for over an hour, of which there was no respite. I kept reading "A People's HIstory of the United States" hoping it would be so boring as to overcome my annoyance with the dog, but it only served to pique my interest and keep me reading well past when the whining dog was silenced. Hopefully by a gun. No, I take that back, I don't mean any serious harm to Fresco, the 14 year old blind sheep dog next door, just maybe a little harm to his owner for leaving him alone like that.

I hate being such a light sleeper. It's such a curse.

But something I DO love, is peanut butter and honey on sprouted grain toast with tea in the morning. It's one of my favorite things on this planet. I don't know why, but it just makes me happy to have it. It's my comfort food. And unfortunately for me, at the moment, I am out of my favorite tea, The River Shannon blend from Upton Tea Imports. I am slumming it with PJ Tips. It's not the same. I am a loose leaf lovin lady. It makes a big difference. Your Dad doesn't drink any black tea anymore, he's purely herbal. What a stud. I wish I had his discipline. He has a pretty good motivator though, his mental health.

So here we sit, your Dad and I, in the wee hours of the morning, while you lay snoozing down below. It's Easter Weekend, or Passover weekend, depending on your religious proclivities, of which we have none. You can make that choice for yourself when you are old enough. I think spirituality is the way. Works for me. But I still struggle, not with the notion of "God" but the word. Even just reading last night, what savage tragic brutal things people historically have done in the name of...makes me feel sick inside. Thank God I can have my own God.

We are taking you to your very first Easter Egg hunt at Paramahansa's Mother Hub up the street later. I feel so lucky that we live so close to such a beautiful place. I read his "Autobiography of a Yogi" when I was 12 and traveling through India to visit his Ashram in Ranchi. I don't remember a single thing from it, but I do remember the homemade chapati's the woman made for us while we stayed in her home near the Ashram. And I also remember one song the monk's would sing during the morning meditation I would sleep through (I was only 12, remember). I sang it to you in my belly. You might remember it- it goes like this:

Who is in my temple?
Who is in my temple?
All the doors do open themselves.
All the lights do light themselves.
All the doors do open themselves.
All the lights do light themselves.
Darkness like a dark bird, flies away, oh flies away.
Darkness like a dark bird, flies away, oh flies away.
repeat

I sing this when I am scared.


Okay little bug, it's almost 7am now and you are finally sitting up and practicing your vowels and consonants.

I'm coming down.

I'm gonna kiss you all over.

Love,

Mom

Holy Growth Spurt!

Pony!!

You slept 10.5 hours STRAIGHT last night! WTF?? I kept waking up to make sure you were still breathing. Maybe it's the later bed time or the 3 naps or your little brain just expanded making your limbs shoot out in all directions but you slept from 7pm till 5:30am when I fed you and then you kept going till 7:45am! I thought for sure that meant you'd be up till at least 10am but there you are right now, cooing in your crib, hanging out with your lovey, getting ready for your first nap of the day at 9am. You were tired, what could I do? Maybe we are all catching up on the horrendous experiment from last weekend. Whatever the case, it feels like divine intervention. I don't ever want to go through that again and now it looks like we won't have to.

I just searched for a good Sleeping Beauty photo to insert but they all creeped me out. Something about the long blonde hair, ridiculously small waist and pointy red lips.

I am getting ready for work now my little peanut. When you wake up Angella, your BFF, will be here to hang out with you, walk with you, read you books, and teach you things.

I'll see you when I get home.

I can't wait.

I miss you already.

Love,

Mom

Sleep update

P,

Last weekend ruined us. The second night of "training" consisted of you waking up at 1:30am and not going back to sleep until 4:30am. All three of us were a wreck on Sunday. Your nose started running and a small cough began so we decided to hold off on any more training until you were better, or got some more teeth. Man, your teeth are stubborn! I keep thinking three more are gonna pop through but nope- not a chance. We decided to wait until this next weekend to train again. I am dreading it.

Yesterday you and I went to Descanso Gardens and walked around. It's so beautiful there. We met a small baby on the grass and she told us to check out the Lilly Garden. I got lost looking for it and you started needing to nurse in the carrier so we ended up leaving. Descanso Gardens was filled with ultra conservative old white folks and I wasn't sure how much they would appreciate our mobile breastfeeding unit, as discreet as we were.

Of course now, last night you slept from 7pm till 3am! 8 hours!! Then until 6:30am. It was fantastic. If we could count on that happening every night we'd be in heaven and could forget any God Awful training. I am crossing my fingers, toes, legs, eye balls, whatever I can. Please, please, please, try a little consistency, even though it is the "hobgoblin of simple minds."

I don't have much time to write today. The cleaners are here and as soon as you wake up from your nap we've gotta get the hell out of dodge. We are going to visit Rosa and her new baby. Then perhaps go for a walk in Griffith Park with our Ultra Bob. Product placement photo insert here.

Did I mention you sleep like a frog these days?