Where's Pony?

Where's Pony?

Where's Pony?

This is a new game I've started with your Dad while he's at work.

Can you find yourself in this photo?

Laughter with a side of humble pie

You laughed for the first time yesterday while your Papa gave you a giant zzzrrrbbrrt on your belly.

It made me fear death.

And I have never feared death before.  I've always prided myself on my fearlessness which now I know was not bravery but ambivalence.

Because I have never loved anything or anyone like I love you and your Dad.  It has made me feel incredibly mortal.

As I rocked you gently in my arms tonight I thought of your little laugh and realized how I never wanted to leave you.  It scared me how much I care about this family.  Because the stakes are so high.  I painfully realized how careless I have been my whole life, with my life.

No wonder I got into so many dangerous situations with people, places, and things.  It wasn't that I thought I was invincible and nothing truly bad would ever happen to me, I just didn't care so much if it did.

Well, now I do care.  I care very much.  And it humbles me.

I am so grateful for this precious life that I get to share with you and your Dad.  It really is a gift, every single moment.  Even when you scream in my face and I haven't a damn clue what you are crying about.

That right there is a whole other sort of fear.

I love you.  This is you in your Bumba in the kitchen yesterday.

And this was a little game I played with your Dad today, it was called, Where is Baby?

I can't stop smiling looking at this photo because you look so sweet sitting there with your little hands in your lap, like a little school kid waiting for your lesson.

Oh man.

Put a fork in me because I am done.

Love
Mom

My Insanity grows with you

I tried to go to bed last night at 9:30 with your Dad, who was in the midst of quitting caffeine and losing steam rapidly.

This is what my brain did to me:

It's early.  Too early to dream feed.  Should I just forget it then?  Or should I wait until 10pm and feed her then?  Maybe I should just forget it all together for tonight?  
Oh shit.  
But consistency.  Consistency is super important.
It is not my strength.  I need to be more consistent.
Okay.
I'll feed her at 10pm.
What was that?  Did she just make a sound?  Maybe she's hungry now?  I don't want her to wake up too much!  I'm supposed to dream feed her BEFORE she wakes up....oh shit.


I get up and check on you.  You are sleeping soundly.  I go back to bed.


Okay.  Relax.  Take a few deep breaths.  
Why do I have such bad gas tonight?  I hope Tim didn't' just hear that.  I'll keep it under the covers.
It's 9:45 now.  15 minutes and I'll feed her.  
Is that a skunk outside or was that me?  Wow.
I hate waking her up.  They say never to wake a sleeping baby.  It's selfish of me to dream feed her.  I'm only doing it for me.  I shouldn't do it.  Fuck it.  I'm not doing it.  
What was that?  


I get up and check on you.  You are sleeping soundly.  I go back to bed.

It's 10pm now.  If I'm gonna feed her I should do it now.  Now.  
Now I am tired.  I want to sleep. I'll just go to sleep now.


I can't sleep.  I have phlegm in my throat and I think I have to pee again.
I love Tim so much.  I am so lucky.  I'm gonna stare at him for a minute.  He's so handsome.  We should try to make Second Baby now.
I wonder what Second Baby will look like...
Are we out of our minds to even be thinking about a second baby so soon?
La Canada is really great.  I had no idea how great.  I think I sounded really racist in my last blog.  I didn't mean to. I'm just tired of the barrio.  I need to practice more unconditional love for all living things.  
I really should meditate more consistently.
Consistency.
Oh shit.
I better go feed her.


I got out of bed and walked into your room.  Even in the darkness lit by a single amber nightlight I could see your gummy smile goofing up at me and I wanted to remember this shit forever.

I never want to forget the smallness of you.

They were all right about 3 months though.  Each day it becomes more and more clear.  You are a baby now.  A little baby person with a total quirky little sparkling personality slowly emerging like Spring after a hard winter.  A little bud blooms here, then there, then sure enough you'll be a whole field of flowers.

By the way- suddenly after a rough night of sleep you decided you LOVED tummy time.

Here are the photos to prove it.  Even naked...

First thing in the morning...

I love you.  Mom.

We made it!

Pony my dear- you are 3 months big today!!!!!

And... you are still intact. You have everything you came with. All the parts are there.  I can't believe it.  Big sigh of relief.  We celebrated by driving all the way to Marina Del Rey so you could meet your Godfather, Dustin, for the very first time.  That was pretty special.  Plus we stayed for dinner, like big 3 month people do.  You were amazing.  You fell asleep on my shoulder before dessert so I laid you down on a couch in the other room.  When I walked away you were sleeping soundly. I left the door ajar. After two bites of ice cream I glanced your way and there you were, staring at me with your legs in the air.  You were so peaceful and calm I laughed and rushed over to kiss you.  When I looked down you looked up and gave me one of your big gummy grins.  I swoon at times like this.

They were right, about just getting to 90 days.  It is amazing the corners you keep turning every day.  Especially since we saw the osteopathic doctor (?? I am way too tired to look that up right now and make sure it is correct.)  Whatever she was, she was magic.  She touched your head and you became a new baby.  I saw you experience peace and serenity.  It has only enhanced what was already there.

You are becoming so fun, Pony.  I look forward to the mornings with you so much.  Papa says it's like Christmas for me when I open my eyes around 7:30 and ask, because you still haven't made a sound, "Shall I go get her?" and he says, "Hell yes, go get her!" and I jump up, like a kid that needed permission to open her first present, tip-toe up to your door, and peak in on you in your new big girl crib.  There you are, looking around peacefully, sucking on a finger or two, with your legs in the air.  I have no idea how long you have been like that but I watch you for a little while, loving your buddha like mindfulness, before I enter and look down at your beautiful little face.  And that is when you do it, every single time, you destroy me with your giant goofy smiles.  I have to lean in and nuzzle your neck, armpit, and thighs before I scoop you up and take you into our bed.  Then it's family time.  Because that is what we are now Pony, a family.

I had a funny revelation the other day about what how much a baby can change you.  When we were still living in Echo Park and I was pregnant with you someone asked me if we would ever live in South Pasadena.  I was horrified and said, "Hell no, South Pasadena is way too 'white' and conservative for me." Then we moved to Highland Park and you were born.  When I was telling Uncle Strider of my new obsession with La Canada he said, "Of course you love it there, it's the Laguna Beach of the San Gabriel Valley."  And it made sense why I felt at home, it was filled with white conservative wealthy republicans and every fiber in my being screamed, home-safe, decent public school system home.  I would give my left nut (if I had one) to give you the kind of upbringing I had.  It was safe and safe sounds really good right about now.

I love you.  I am so proud of you.  And of me.  We did it.  We made it.  I made it.  I can't believe it.  I'm still standing.

So much more to go...

I look forward to every single minute of it all.


Mom

Ouch.

I just read the saddest NY times article about a Mom whose son has Tray-Sachs disease.  I'm too heartbroken to go into the details of what that means, suffice to say, it made me really think and wonder about how to be the best parent I can be for today, for now, and to stop obsessing over the future.

If I only had a limited time with you, how would I want to spend it?

I can't even finish this post right now.  I don't think I can read anymore articles.  I've stopped watching the news.

I need a nap.

The Wheels Have Come Off

I could never be a single Mom.  No way.  No how.

We are lost without our rudder.  Your Dad has been in New York for work for a few days and you, Pony, have taken over.  It's a baby coup. I'll admit it, you run this household, that much is perfectly clear.  Who knew such a little thing, a little naked thing at the moment (you refused clothing this morning) could wield such power over me.  I am like a reed in the river without your Papa around.

You've discovered a new grunting sound it seems, so dainty, my love.  And a new found appreciation for 4am.

Last night for some strange reason you woke up at 4am ready to party.  You've never done that before.  I didn't know what to do so I took you into our bed where after 10 minutes of 'talking' to me, you proceeded to projectile vomit all over the bed.  Hence, the next photo of you 'helping' me make the bed.

And now today, suddenly, you've decided that you don't need naps anymore.  Nope. Not your thing, no matter what I do.

It's days like this that a Hi-Ball sounds really awesome.  Not that I even know what a Hi-Ball is but I think it has whiskey and ice in it and that is all that matters.

I can see why some Mom's get fat.  I mean, assuming they aren't drinking during the day (which is what I'd be doing if I was still drinking so hence, why I don't drink anymore) a sugary fatty snack makes a lot of sense.  In fact, I just ate 3 Mexican wedding cookies for lunch and it seemed perfectly reasonable to do so.  The idea of pulling out any pots and pans while I have you strapped on me, forcing you to nap, is ridiculous and we are out of anything else, so... a sugary fatty lunch it was.  And I rationalized it by saying how hard it's been and how much I deserved it.  I get it now.  I shall no longer judge overweight moms.  I probably shouldn't judge anyone really.  Seriously.  Not a good role model if I do.

You slept like this for almost 2 hours.  What a miracle.  And then I took us for a walk.  And judging by the looks on your face in both these pictures, I'm not sure you particularly enjoy the Bob yet.

maybe it's a strap thing because you like to let loose in the car seat as well

but I hear most babies do that so I guess it's okay

Wow.

Being a mom is seriously the most improvisational, intensely creative, and ridiculously riddling thing I have ever done.  Nothing can prepare you for your first child. Nothing.

It's like having to solve the game Clue with you a hundred times a day.  Your diaper is dry, you've been fed, it's not your sleepy time, what the hell could it be?  Was it the spinach that I ate in the kitchen over four hours ago with the maid from Guatemala?  No.  Merde!  Try again....

Like tonight, I did the usual lack of routine we've gotten into a groove with and you decided to switch things up on me.  You decided that tonight, for no apparent reason, you would prefer NO rocking, bouncing, or swaying to any lullabies or sound at all.  In fact, you preferred to just be left alone to cry for about two minutes in your bassinet and then you went to sleep.  For.  An.  Hour.  Now you are asleep again, with a few minutes of rocking.  Just keeping me on my toes, I see....keeping it fresh and real.  I appreciate that Pony.  I hate getting stuck in a rut myself.  Good to break things up a bit. Keep em guessing I always say!!  And boy do you keep me guessing.

Please Pony, please, for the love of God, no raves at 4am tonight.  

Or else your Dad might come home to find me crying softly in the corner with the pacifier(that you hate) in my mouth.

Love,

Mom

I Love my Husband

He took the morning shift and I slept in 2 hours this gorgeous Sunday.  2 hours!! And when I woke up he had already put her down for her morning nap.  I don't want to brag but... I am.  I have a good one.  And he does this kind of thing all the time.  Last night too- out of the blue he gave me a foot rub.  Who does that?  He does.  I'm not used to so much thoughtful considerate kindness in my relationships.  It humbles me and makes me want to be a better wife and mother every day.

Heck, a better person.

I want to thank his mother for doing such a great job with him, and I have, because it's pretty remarkable to me who he is on a daily basis.  And it made me think as I was having a conversation with Wendy yesterday about parenting, about nature vs. nurture.  Wendy was telling me how her 26 year old daughter didn't want to settle for a job she didn't think was paying her enough so she went out and got a better one.  Both Wendy and I were impressed with her hutzpah and wondered if that was taught or innate.  Do we really 'make or break' these little people?  Wendy was so young when she had her, and she didn't do RIE, or The Echo Center Parenting classes, she did what she did instinctively.  And she made mistakes, admittedly so, but her daughter turned out wonderful, anyone would agree.

So maybe I could lighten up just a little bit and start to enjoy the ride?

And by the way, it's been a few days since I began this post, and yes, I still love my husband.

Even though co-parenting is probably the hardest thing we'll ever do together, like my friend Sarah said, if you can negotiate this, you can negotiate anything.  And we negotiate, a lot.

But it's good for me.  I am learning that disagreeing doesn't mean being abandoned.  That is kind of huge for me.

So Pony my love,

We've figured another thing out about you that might be as big as your diapers being too small, you DO NOT LIKE ANY STIMULATION past 5pm.  Pretty much.  Basically all the 'bedtime routine' stuff we were doing to you, like the bath, massage, book reading, etc...was making you nuts.  Last night was the turning point when you lost it after all of the above.  Your poor Papa was in charge of bathing you and putting you to sleep and he was beside himself.  You went to a 10.  It took awhile for me to soothe you after that but it was good in the fact that we both realized that something we were doing could quite possibly be off.  So instead of the books, again, we turned to you.  What did you want?  And tonight it seems,very little.  So we'll see how this goes and keep tuning into you, again and again.

I've also fallen in love with La Canada!  Who knew such a place existed in Los Angeles?  I met Leigh and Tor at Descanso Gardens yesterday for a walk, and was enamored of the neighborhood surrounding it.  What a gem!  It felt woodsy and safe.  Lots of nature.  Of course it's expensive to live there and it's mostly rich white folks but I think I've lived in Highland Park enough to feel...integrated.  Although I had this thought driving home today, that all the sex offenders that live in our neighborhood (I checked the website) probably don't prey around here.  I imagine that La Canada is the perfect place for them to troll.  I mean, they wouldn't want to shit where they eat, right?  Hmm... maybe I think too much?

And lastly I can't tell you how grateful I am for all the amazing women having you has brought into my life.  I get to hang out with wonderful generous hilarious moms like Betsy, Marie, and Leigh.  (That rhymed)  and go on walks with moms to be like Rosa.  She is doing a home birth!  I LOVE it.  I can't wait to meet her little one.  This shit is so much fun, Pony.  The day you start talking and playing with Mirth, Tor, Kasper and Rosa's yet to be, will be a good day.

We are checking out a chiropractor for your neck, thanks to Rosa.  And I'll let you know how that goes.

I love you even though you've made me go in there and soothe you at least four times so far this night, and it's only been 2 hours.

I am definitely earning my keep.

I love you infinitely,

Mom

and p.s.  I think I might even love your Daddy more now.  He's certainly the one for me.  He made us beets, chinese broccoli, and a yam for dinner.  I needed that.  I also really need to go to bed.  You are in the habit of waking up a lot right now.  You must be growing.  I think you are.

Chatting with Clarice the Cow

Dear Pony,

A conversation between you and Clarice the Cow.

Mom and Dad

Weeks 1 - 11

Hello Sweet Pea,

Daddy here. I had the idea to put photos from each of your first 11 weeks of life here for you to see. Plus I added one from your birthday. - Love Daddy

Day Number 1

Week Number 1

Week Number 2

Week Number 3

Week Number 4

Week Number 5

Week Number 6

Week Number 7

Week Number 8

Week Number Nine

Week Number 10

Week Number 11